A long time ago...
...in a galaxy far, far away...
God said:
"Let there be lips!"
And there were lips!
And they were good!
And they sang...
...to fuck off!
On our feet!
ON YOUR KNEES!
...crotchless...
Where? I didn't see him!
...fucking Kong...
...sexual...
A sixty-nine!
...I came on...
Where?
...Janet's face...
Thank you!
...this is how the semen ran!
FREEZE THOSE LIPS!
Oooh-oooh-oooh...
Starring:
God!
Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!
Janet's on heroin!
...and fucking, and sucking on...
..."Deep Throat", the sequel to...
...Janet's a ho-o-o-o!...
Early morning!
Rocky Horror...
What's an ex delivery boy?
I dunno, ask an expert!
Charles Gray, he's okay!
He can't help it if he's... dead. :-(
DEFROST!
...fucking Jack Sparrow...
...took LSD...
Lick it, bitch!
...when I saw Janet squat...
...on a penis that spits semen...
...and pee...
...prunes...
With pits!
...the shits...
Sex skills!
BOOM!
It hurts!
...some sexual thrills...
Like a...
SEX-RAY!
Oooh-oooh-oooh...
Richard? Hardly!
Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!
What the fuck's a Suschitzky!?
Who creamed on Clifford?
...and fucking, and sucking on...
...Brian Thomson!
SUE'S TO BLAME! IT'S IN THE CREDITS!
..."Deep Throat", the sequel to...
...Janet's a ho-o-o-o!...
Early morning!
Rocky Horror...
I wanna come!
Early morning!
Rocky Horror...
R.K. Who!?
Early morning!
Rocky Horror...
WHERE'S THE BEST PLACE TO FUCK?
FUCK THE BACK ROW!
FUCK THE FRONT ROW!
ORGY IN THE MIDDLE!
Don't squeeze the Sharman!
Early morning!
Rocky Horror...
Never trust a cross with lips!
And there they go!
Yeah, "keep it in the family"! ;-)
Ha, ha, ha! Now we have their souls!
Ejaculations?
ESPN presents: Asshole boxing!
Hit him!
Hit him back!
...since the superglue incident!
Hey camera guy! Over here!
Camera guy! Over...
...Hi!
Who's got the clap?
How would you know?
Who cares?
See ya, sucker!
Think about it Brad, think long and think hard:
Did you change your underwear today?
Tap the car to answer: once for yes, twice for no!
[to the Smurfs theme]
Laaa laa la laa la la, laa la laa la...
...OICH!
HUMANS: 1. SMURFS: 0.
Be just and fear not!
Be stoned and fear nothing!
Drop acid and fear everything!
Awww crap, we missed the bus again!
No!
...she was a virgin!
...she's a slut!
Hap-shit, she was better off an hour ago!
No he's not, she's got the clap!
And now Janet does too!
I always laugh at funerals!
Show me an angel masturbating!
Thank you!
...fuck.
Who put a billboard in the middle of my cemetery!?
Who built a cemetery around my billboard?
Janet's hat is the home of happiness?
Sit on my face and wiggle!
Don't say it, SING IT! It's a fucking musical!
...sexual...?
...sensual...?
...seductive...?
...slutty...?
...skanky...?
What a fucking genius!
...with whips and chains!? :-D
...that too. :-\
Stop following me!
Fuck off, bitch!
I wanna screw!
A
Aw
Aww
Awww
Awwww
Awwwww
Awwwwww
Awwwwwww
Awwwwwwww
Awwwwwwwww
Awwwwwwwwww... PSYCH!
Backward!
Backward?
Only...
...assholes...
...write on doors!
...I cheat at poker!
Oral, anal, vaginal?
Gay, straight, or... bisexual!
How do you spell slut?
...you fucking ho!
...that you fuck Mom and you blow Dad!
Brad, you fag, fuck you too!
...ohhhhhh shit...
I'm pregnant!
...OHHHHHH SHIT...
It's not yours!
Well fuck you too-oo-oo-oo-oooo!
Ah...
Ah... ah...
Ah... ah... ah...
Ah... ah... ah... ah...
Ah... ah... ah... ah... ah...
ATCHOO!
...go fuck the kid in the casket!
The fuck's an "exam-it"!?
...cum in your eye and them cram it...
Fuck off, bitch!
I wanna screw!
Oh Brad... you fag!
I...
...wanna screw...
...Scooby Dooby Doooooooo!!
Remember these faces, Virgins!
The man you are about to see has NO FUCKING NECK!
His mother should have fucked a giraffe!
You would, wouldn't you?
You may not!
Take me! Take me!
How strange was it?
So strange, they made a movie out of it!
Not the book, the movie!
Let me show you my family photo album:
This is my mommy...
This is my daddy...
And this is my...
ASSHOLE!
And a statement to prove it!
SLUT!
And a statement to prove it!
This book gives good head!
Suck my cock!
Is it true that you fuck little boys?
Describe my balls!
Woo!
Yeah!
Rawr!
Is it also true that you fuck goats?
Like your neck!
Normal!?
It was a night in!
It was a Day's Inn!
IT WAS A NIGHT IN!
Ok you win!
For how long?
For those of you on acid: yes, the screen just melted!
For those of you NOT on acid: yes, the screen just melted!
Asshole!
Slut!
Asshole!
Slut!
Asshole!
Slut!
Asshole!
Slut!
Asshole!
Slut!
Asshole!
Slut!
(only the Virgins are still doing it!)
What does America need, Dick?
Not a part-time asshole!
No, it's the first!
So's Janet!
Janet eats like a rabbit, does she fuck like one too?
I came on the windshield again!
Go back and take the right spoon!
Detroit!
No, don't turn back!
The Smurfs laid a trap!
You'll get a blow-out!
Don't! Noooo!!
HUMANS: 1. SMURFS: 1
It was a gang bang!
[to the Smurfs theme]
Laaa laa la laa la la, laa la laa la...
...OICH!
HUMANS: 2. SMURFS: 0
Which is the safest part of nowhere!
What's white and sells hamburgers?
Yes, a castle, in the middle of Ohio!
Castles don't have phones, asshole!
Janet's already wet, check the seat!
Well that's a first!
He is!
You should be so lucky!
Laugh about it now, cry about it later!
This is the only rubber in the entire movie...
...and it has a hole in it!
Slut to the left!
Slut to the right!
Slut down the middle!
Slut out of sight!
How...
...long...
...does...
...it...
...take...
...to...
...read...
...five...
...fucking...
...words!?
Five...
...fucking...
...minutes!!
Slut, slut, slut of the jungle!
Watch out for that tree!
Douche douche twat!
Twat twat douche!
What's up your ass?
...there's a brand new car!
Will you fuck me no matter what?
...or who I are?
What's at the end of E.T.'s dick?
Where's Santa Claus?
...of e-every-yyy slutty wife!
Sing to us, O hairless one!
EXTREME CLOSE UP!
AHHH!! AHHH!!
It's the incredible shrinking Riff Raff!
Now with indoor lightning generator!
...of e-every-yyy sluuuttyyyy wiiiife!
Betsy Ross used to fuck and fuck...
...and fuck and fuck and fuck and...
She had time to sew between all that fucking!?
Unlike your neck!
Are you sure?
Muahahahahahaha!!
Hey look, Scooby Doo's stoned!
Castles don't have phones, asshole!
Ding-dong! Asshole calling!
Slut for sale! Real cheap!
Never used! Already wet!
Comes with glow-in-the-dark condoms in her hair!
How do you say "Jello" in Spanish?
When you smoke pot, you get...
ASSHOLE!
SLUT!
Not yet, give her a chance!
Castles don't have phones, asshole!
Do you have a waterproof vibrator, Janet?
Why?
Does Brad use it too?
How about you, Riff?
How about you, God?
Oh shit, you weren't supposed to see those!
...fuck off!
Come wherever you want so long as you clean it up!
I don't care if you clean it up just so long as you come!
No, he's three kinds!
He's tri-sexual!
He'll try anything!
Welcome to Shakey's!
Can you spot the domestic in this picture?
No, there's a slut in the way!
Describe the White House!
Hey Riff, how do you finger-fuck your sister?
Follow the bouncing thumb!
No, it's Frank's bar mizvah!
Today she becomes a man!
Tuesday!
Which one? There've been so many!
...sticky!
...the bannister's sticky!
Magenta left a snail trail!
Hey Riff, how's your sex life?
No, it's a skeleton!
Who's your favorite ska band?
Sixty-nine cents, please!
For how long?
How many balls do you have?
...fucking my sister...
Kick! Kick!
...licking...
...Patricia Quinn...
How do you do this dance!?
Or someone else's tits!
Group sex! Group sex! Group sex! Group sex!
Where do you fuck?
How do you fuck?
Where are you?
Can you see this?
Oh shit!
...fuck...
Fuck that bird!
Grease that pole!
Eat this bagel!
I'M NOT JEWISH!
[ala the Beach Boys]
Oooooooooh...
...OOOH-oooh-oooooooooh...
...oooooooooh...
Or someone else's tits!
Group sex! Group sex! Group sex! Group sex!
Two! Four! Six! Eight!
Show us how you masturbate!
Three! Five! Seven! Nine!
We know you do it all the time!
Ten! Twenty! Thirty! Forty!
Now we know you're really horny!
Five! Seven! Nine! Eleven!
Suck my dick and I'm in heaven!
GET THE FUCK OFF YOUR DESK!
Or someone else's tits!
Group sex! Group sex! Group sex! Group sex!
Hey Brad, say something stupid!
That's not stupid!
Now that's stupid!
Keep a grip on me!
And I wanna come!
Castles don't have phones, asshole!
...fuck dancing!
So she isn't HOT and wet?
...hand-job man!
They rang!
...crack salesman!
On drugs!
Same thing!
No shit!
...sick motherfucker!
...goddamn faggot...
...San Francisco, California...
...seen this movie...
Like porn!
Good porn!
Hercules porn!
Gotcha!
...could we suck your bone?
Left!
...fuck where we are...
...then go fuck in the car...
...we don't wanna fuck with Tim Curry...
I do!
How 'bout this?
S&M!
...goddamn faggot...
Boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom!
...San Francisco, California...
I said a BITE, not a LICK!
Sex!
You call that a man!?
You call that a tan!?
Sexual...
...goddamn faggot...
Check. It. Out!
...San Francisco, California...
Chugga-chugga-choo-choo...
...WOO-WOO!
What?
I can't come that far!
...fuck what's on the slab...
It better not be Meatloaf again!
Say it.
Say it!
SAY IT!
HALLELUJA!
No, Sue's to blame! It was in the credits!
...your clothes...
But what about Homer?
And Marge?
And Bart?
And Lisa?
And Maggie?
...The Simpsons!
Janet's on the rag!
No, the rag's on Janet!
Always wipe your asshole clean!
Hey Janet, what do you say when Brad tries to fuck you?
And pull the sock out of your undies, too?
ASSHOLE!
SLUT!
Not yet, give her a chance!
We gave her a chance last show, you saw what happened!
How do you spell "urethra"?
Close enough.
Or their left tit?
...and I don't do laundry!
Quick Brad, grab something useful like ONE SHOE!
Riff can't hold his liquor!
First floor, freaky dances!
Second floor, stupid questions!
Third floor, obvious answers!
...sex slaves...
Same thing!
Fourth floor, Stevie Wonder's dressing room!
(Don't worry, he can't see it either!)
Fifth floor, men's lingerie!
Invisible men first!
Sluts second!
Assholes third!
Domestics bringing up the rear!
That's why they call them butt-lers!
We are the world! We are the extras!
Yes! All this and more can be yours, if the Weiss is tight!
Those are some well-hung speakers!
Why thank you, I hung them myself!
Here drink this, I came in it.
What color's your dick after you masturbate?
Where do you get your drugs?
Bad choice!
...he can't get it up himself!
...the cameraman, with the world's longest handjob!
ASSHOLE!
Tight as a vice and tvice as nice!
Say something in French!
What does that mean?
That's not what it means!
THAT's what it means!
...and take those off!
...naked!
Same thing!
Hey it's Coolio!
...horse brutality.
HORSE BRUTALITY!?
Look!
Up in the sky!
It's a bird!
It's a plane!
No, it's...
SUPER-ASSHOLE!
...big.
If he's so "dominant" why does she need glasses?
See slut lie! Lie, slut, lie!
Are you heterosexual, Brad?
That's not a "no"!
...erection.
Oh shit, my favorite suit!
Oh shit, my ONLY suit!
Hey, what about the spacesuit?
Sorry Virgins!
Hey, that's us!
...bi-sexual research...
Yeah I'd like a double double with extra cheese and no onions...
I snap my gloves and scare myself!
...sit on my face...
And tell me that you love me!
Side of beef?
Forty-two!
Sixty-nine!
Eight-eight! HUT!
What did your mother call you?
Oil of Olay!
Who gives the best head on Star Trek?
I thought it was Worf!
'Cause he's ribbed for her pleasure and he Klings-on!
Can you calculate the digits of pi?
Where did you learn that?
I... went... to... college!
What do you hold between your legs?
...to life!?
...itself!?
Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me?
F...
...K E Y, M O U S E!
Fuckey Mouse!
Dildo Duck!
Fuckey Mouse!
Dildo Duck!
Forever let us hold our dildos high!
High! High! High!
...boned!
Noisemakers for deaf people!
Hey Frank, say something in Klingon!
Presenting the world's first self-inserting tampon!
...on your mother's vibrator!
Three...
Three... more...
Three... more... Doritos!
I.... think... I can...
...I think... I can...
...I think I can...
[to the tune of Here Comes The Sun]
Here comes the sun...
...doo-doo-doo-doo...
...here comes the sun...
...and I-I say...
...I hate my job...
A little bit of red...
A little bit of orange...
A little bit of yellow...
The secret to life is food coloring!?
Rocky's got a boner!
Is it soup yet?
Not yet!
What's it need?
More curry!
What kind of curry?
Tim Curry!
Hey Frank, taste the rainbow!
Soup's on!
Ten seconds old and already grabbing for his first nut!
[to the tune of Iron Man]
I... am... tampon man!
Try to insert me if you can!
...I am the star of a pretty bad movie!
...with no cock to blow!
...I am the star of a pretty bad movie!
...of the closet!
If you're horny and you know it, slap the bars!
If you're horny and you know it...
...and you really wanna show it...
....if you're horny and you know it, slap the bars!
He's not gay!
Not gay?
Get your tits off my tank!
See slut lie! Lie, slut, lie!
...just one big one!
Too bad, she gets him anyway!
Sorry Virgins!
[like a seal barking]
Ort! Ort! Ort! Ort!
Describe Justin Bieber!
Two Justin Biebers!
Justin Bieber at the beach!
...in the balls.
Don't laugh, Rocky, that hurts.
Who's Jim?
...balls...
What's your favorite toothpaste?
Go for the gold!
Missed it! Missed it!
Now you gotta kiss it!
Why do you think he missed it?
...strong fag...
What does cum taste like?
...but the wrong fag...
...cum.
Ew, raw eggs!
...and six long nights!
...a fag, just like your dad!
Rocky found a hole in the floor!
Rocky MADE a hole in the floor!
...and six long nights!
...a fag, just like your dad!
We've got Movie Sign!
Dinner!?
Awww, not frozen Meatloaf AGAIN!
Glasses? CHECK!
Helmet? CHECK!
Attitude? CHECK!
It turned into Sunday morning!
...cosmic cow...
...I thought it was bovi-ine...
...Rocky Horror Picture Show...
...pop a cherry, smoke a bowl...
...sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll...
Eat shit...
...and die!
A
Aw
Aww
Awww
Awwww
Awwwww
Awwwwww
Awwwwwww
Awwwwwwww
Awwwwwwwww
Awwwwwwwwww
Awwwwwwwwwww
Awwwwwwwwwwww
Awwwwwwwwwwwww
Awwwwwwwwwwwwww
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww... PSYCH!
PSYCH!
Step, step, step, kick!
Step, kick! Step, kick!
Kick! Kick! Kick! Kick! ...
... Kick! Kick! Kick! Kick! ...
LOVE!
HATE!
Eddie was a virgin!
Hey Frank, what's the score?
VAULT: 1. EDDIE: 0.
A greaser from the freezer, like a bat outta hell!
Magenta knows what to do with bloody rubbers!
Turn 'em inside-out and use 'em again!
Show us your muscle, Rocky!
Wrong one!
What'd you have for breakfast?
...boogie with a midget...
...and six long nights!
...a fag, just like your dad!
Sing it, slut!
...and six long nights!
...a fag, just like your dad!
...and six long nights!
...a faaag...
...ju-ust...
...like your dear old dad...
[ala military "atteeen-tion"]
Assume the posiiiiiii-tion!
I say that life is an illusion...
...and that reality is simply a figment of the imagination!
Yeah, that was me!
That was me too!
Unlike your neck!
Dun dun dun!
...necks...
...and his neck...
...neck...
...and his neck...
SWEET!
...neckless.
...and neckless.
Unlike your neck!
Like your neck!
With their separate necks!
[to the tune of Roxanne]
Jaaa-net, you don't have to put on that red light!
Watch out for the holy water!
Burns, don't it?
He sees you when you're sleeping...
...he knows when you're awake...
...he knows when you've been fucking good...
...and when you masturbate! HEY!
Same room, different lighting, cheap movie!
Same line, different weekend, cheap audience!
Sit, Ubu, sit!
Good bitch!
Never worry! Never fear!
Frank the Wonder-fuck is here!
Long or short, thick or thin...
...Vaseline will get it in!
Two! Four! Six! Eight!
Frankie's fucks are always great!
Y
Ya
Yay
Yaay
Yaaay
Yaaaay
Yaaaaay
Yaaaaaay
Yaaaaaaay
Yaaaaaaaay Frankie!
...and out, and in, and out...
That's what sex is all about!
So long as you don't touch the hair!
That's the trouble with Tribbles!
No, it's WEISS!
...yet.
What about the football team?
What about the mascot?
What about the bus!?
They never did find that bus!
It's not all Brad, either!
Don't...
Stop...
No...
Don't... stop.
Oh, don't stop! Don't stop!
Brad's not down there and he never will be!
No, Sue's to blame! It's in the credits!
For what, a rainy day?
Look outside, it's raining!
Spend her! Spend her!
Make a large deposit!
Penalty for early withdrawal.
Stick a dildo in my eye!
Typical [local college] cheerleader!
[ala Carol Burnett]
I'm so glad we've had this time together...
Hey Sis, I've got an idea...
I'll go fuck with the monster...
You stay here and fuck with the mop!
I know he's my brother but DAMN that's a nice ass.
I want to see a muscle twitch!
I paid good money to see this movie and I demand a muscle twitch!
Muscle twitch! Muscle twitch! Muscle twitch!
Thank you!
[to the tune of He's Got the Whole World in His Hand]
He's got the who-o-o-o-ole wo-orld, up his ass!
I know what you're thinking Riff, but it's not gonna fit!
Happy Haunukkah, motherfucker!
You WILL have a happy Hanukkah!
Fire missile one!
Missile away, captain!
Elbow sex!
Magenta's so tight, she squeaks!
Never worry! Never fear!
Frank the Wonder-fuck is here!
Long or short, thick or thin...
...Vaseline will get it in!
Two! Four! Six! Eight!
Frankie's fucks are always great!
Y
Ya
Yay
Yaay
Yaaay
Yaaaay
Yaaaaay
Yaaaaaay
Yaaaaaaay
Yaaaaaaaay Frankie!
Just don't touch the hair!
It's certainly not Weiss!
Fucked the shit out of her!
Again?
What about the football team?
What about the football?
What about the goalposts!?
They never did find that goalpost!
No, it's half Brad!
Janet's not down there and she never will be!
It is, they don't make strap-ons that big!
Not since 2003 at least!
Typical [local college] football player!
...coffee grounds.
...her sisters.
So's Brad!
Not yet, wait... there he goes!!
Camera 2!
Camera 3!
Where's the fucking bathroom!?
[to the tune of Who Let The Dogs Out]
Who let the dogs out?
Who!? Who!? Who!?
Oh shit!
Janet my slut!
I hate to break it to you Janet...
...but it would have been a hell of a lot easier...
...if you had just taken the fucking pantyhose off!
...if only we hadn't made this movie!
But you did!
...if only the plot hadn't broken down!
But it did!
...or real actors!
Oh shit!
I pledge allegiance to my tit!
Fucked the shit out of him!
Wanna watch?
Brad smokes after sex!?
Must not be using enough lube!
Don't cry about it, Janet! Read my book!
"101 Ways to Love Your Lever!"
It's the shape of things that come!
Leave him alone, he's monsterbating!
I told you lady, your car won't be ready 'til 3:30!
Frank's so goth, even his cum is black!
No, I did it to myself, that's why they call it SELF-abuse!
I got more hurt than you got skirt!
Gimme a full body wrap!
It's Sarandon Wrap!
Hi, my name's Rocky Horror, ...
...I'm a Scorpio and I like long walks on the beach...
...wanna fuck?
Hey Janet, do you wanna fuck Rocky...
...or the audience?
Rocky...?
...or the audience?
Woohoo! The audience!
And you can only read about it!
...Rocky's whore!
Same thing!
...and out, and in, and out...
That's what sex is all about!
...laid!
Close enough!
Oh shit, my seat's wet!
...and come!
...cum...
Less!
I wanna fuck 'til Christmas!
I've got an itchy snatch!
Fucka fucka fucka fuck me!
I wanna be slu-utty!
Eat me, beat me, mistreat me!
Make me write bad checks!
...like your dick!
Up!
...of the main erection!
Fucka fucka fucka fuck me!
I wanna be slu-utty!
Eat me, beat me, mistreat me!
Make me write bad checks!
Fucka fucka fucka fuck me!
I wanna be slu-utty!
Eat me, beat me, mistreat me!
Make me write bad checks!
Fucka fucka fucka... fuck ME!
I wanna be slu-utty!
Eat me, beat me, mistreat me!
Make me write bad checks!
Too many muscles!
Not enough muscles!
Too much hair!
WAY too much hair!
Not enough hair!
AHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Hey, why does HE get seconds?
Thank you Sir may I have another!
Beats me, but I've got a hunch!
Doing what?
...bating.
Nice forearm Frank but how's your backhand?
Needs work.
He never beats me like that. :-(
Holy shit it's the bastard child of Mary Poppins and R2D2!
Suck my cocky!
Watch it, O'Brien!
Fuck you, Curry! I wrote this movie!
...sex partner.
No, Kool-Aid!
No, it was a date!
...on a porpoise!
Hey, she may've smelled a little fishy, but...
Assholes don't lie, they just fudge a little.
Un-Fuckable Objects!
...as intruders tend to do!
...in the rompus room? The sun room?
Look at the size of the roaches in this place!
-choo!
Not the Triple Contact Faggot Magnet!?
Yes, the Triple Contact Faggot Magnet!
Now with optional leg lift!
Put some leg into it!
-choo!
Go Speed Racer! Go Speed Racer!
He's a cripple on wheels!
It's a small, small world, it's a happy world...
...it's a sappy world, it's a crappy world...
...la la laa, la la laa...
Damn tourists always pass through, never buy anything!
Anybody want Kool-Aid!?
OH YEAH!
Suck my cock!
It's a Pink Floyd album!
Oscar Meyer!
No, we meet at first!
Suck my cock!
Just fuckin' around!
Two! Three! Break!
Giving great head?
...shemale...
Check in and get laid out?
But what about the orgy?
Oh good!
You promised you wouldn't tell!
Every time Brad comes is a complete surprise!
Dinner!?
Get snotty, Scotty!
But what do you know about EDDIE?
...my sex partner.
Suck my cock.
Rocky rollcall, sound off!
BULLWINKLE!
AAADRIAAAN!!!
...out of Play-Doh!
Welcome to the Gong Show!
Awww man, I hate papaya!
What'd you think of Bill and Ted?
I thought they were bogus.
Toga! Toga!
Naked! Naked!
Stop glassturbating!
...the Last Supper!
How many forks does Dr. Scott need!?
Bone a-who?
It's delicious!
It's nutritious!
It's the latest item on the Atkins diet!
It's low in fat, carbs, and calories!
It's...
STEAM!
No, it's Madonna's clitoris!
Or Dolly Parton's left nipple!
It slices, it dices, it circumcises!
It even makes Julienne fries!
Yes, next time you need to wreck a pecker...
...reach for a Black & Decker!
The Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker!
Now available at Sears.
Put it down or I'll circumcise you!
What kind of wine is this?
Ahh, it's the table wine.
Aw shit, I wet myself again.
A Pop Tart, a bagel...
...and present enemies!
Mommy, mommy, it's a gay unicorn!
Shhh honey, all unicorns are gay, that's why they're extinct.
...fuck you!
...fuck Rocky!
Aww, now we'll never know how that song ends!
Riff sure knows how to sling his meat!
Rocky, show us how to eat pussy like a marine!
Do it like an officer; use a fork!
Dinner!?
Shut up bitch or you're breakfast!
That's a rather tasteless joke.
Brad gets it.
Janet gets it.
Dr. Scott gets it.
Rocky gets it but he doesn't care...
...'cause he's eatin' pussy like a marine!
'Scuse me while I go masturbate with a cactus.
Has anybody seen my skateboard? I think I left it by the stairs...
What, you've never eaten Meatloaf with ketchup before?
Who the fuck are you talking to!?
Oh.
Suck my cock.
Sieg heil!
That he's a Nazi!
It's alright Brad, I am a Nazi!
Not the night, but the day.
Ooh, butt day! :-)
Not Monopoly, but Trouble.
Ew, butt trouble! :-(
Not the rose, but the thorn.
Ow, butt thorn! :-(
Not her front, but her side.
Ooh, butt side! :-)
Not the artery, but the vein.
Ew, butt vein! :-(
Aww, butt shame. :-(
It's the Rockin' Scott Hour!
Shoo-wop, shoo-wop bop!
Bop, shoo-wop bop!
Ooo-OOOO-ooo-ooooh...
Oy! Oy! Oy!
When Eddie said he finger-fucked his teddie...
...you know he was a no-good kid!
But when he threatened your life...
...with a dick THIS WIDE...
What a fag.
Makes you gag.
Everybody fucked him...
I very nearly sucked him...
I said "Hey listen to me..."
"...stay hard inside my cavity!"
But he pulled it out and came all over me!
Not sketched, but drawn.
What the fuck's a "zumzink"?
Not you but...
Spelled "H-E-D".
Spelled right.
When Eddie said he finger-fucked his teddie...
...you know he was a no-good kid!
But when he threatened your life...
...with a dick THIS WIDE...
What a fag.
Makes you gag.
When Eddie said he finger-fucked his teddie...
...you know he was a no-good kid!
But when he threatened your life...
...with a... ballpoint pen?
What a fa-a-ag.
Makes you gag.
What does Fat Albert say?
HEY HEY HEY!
Who farted!?
Who's this song about?
How many times do I have to tell you...
I... HATE... CELERY!!!
His name was Robert Paulsen.
How... heterosexual of you!
Slap the slut!
I can't feel my teeth!
My socks! I can't move my socks!
SHAKESPEARE!
One... two... three... four...
Can't anyone use the fucking door?
Do you SEE a fucking door?
...it's a vibrator!
A working vibrator!
A friendly vibrator!
A PERFECT vibrator!!
A broken vibrator...?
It's...
...DOCTOR WHO'S vibrator!
You mean a sonic SCREW-driver?
Aw shit, my armpit fell out!
What do you do when you're out of KY?
Shove a...
...up your...
...squirt her with your little...
Shove a...
...up your...
...squirt her with your little...
Shove a...
Oh, it wouldn't have rhymed anyway!
Yes, my child?
So sit down!
Sperm?
He was heavy!
You mean he doesn't swallow?
What?
Oh shit!
At least it was a BIG nothing!
...suck suck suck...
...and drain others of their cum and erections!
Peek-a-boo!
Holy shit, what a bitch...
...quick Magenta, throw the switch!
BLT: Big Left Tit.
Now we know what side Eddie slept on!
Both! Eddie was a big boy.
Try Disneyland at midnight!
What a great party, everyone's either stoned or plastered!
So bite your knuckle and act like a Jewish grandmother!
I see a red door and I want to paint it black...
Show us your only virgin orifice!
You mean somebody fucked the right ear?
...of zees accent!
[to the tune of Stayin' Alive]
...huh, huh, huh...
...stayin' alive, stayin' alive...
Going...
...and Magenta's gone...
...under twelve inches!
Where?
...IN THE BUTTOCKS!
Fee!
Fi!
Fo!
Fum!
First I jack off, then I...
All this AND a floor show!?
We're really getting our money's worth!
If anyone finds Magenta's eyeballs...
...please return them to the theater lobby!
What is it with the crippled always getting fucked over in this country?
[to the tune of King of Pain]
There's a little black spot on Janet's arm today...
...'cept they took it out o-on the Blu-Ray!
...Frank's cum.
Same thing!
Gay kiddie beastiality!
Where do you masturbate?
When do you masturbate?
What diabolical chicken...
...stepped on your forehead...
...shit on your tie...
...and stole your FUCKING NECK!?
Will this be an orgy or a picnic?
Orgy...
...or picnic?
Woohoo! Orgy!
Ladies, this is what happens when you don't swallow!
Guys, this is what happens when you don't AIM!
How are WE supposed to aim when YOU'RE holding it?
For one night only, it's cum-faced samurai electrician!
I was straight when it all began...
...now I'm a regular lesbian!
...a-fucking with a muscle man...
...is smokin' dope!
...fantasy of fuckin' the pope!
...rose TITS my world...
...and can't dance!
...but can't dance!
...that they can't dance!
...and I can't dance!
...is Janet's bust!
Same thing!
What do you say when you masturbate?
Take this boa away-ay-ay-ay-ayay!
Oooh, that's the floor!
And that's your leg!
Besides Frank?
EPILEPSY!
...real cheap!
...like I've been blowing sheep...
...I've still got wool stuck in my teeth...
...my cunt has been expanded!
What's that smell?
Cover it up!
Hey Janet, kiss my ass!
Great, now the whole cast has mono!
What the fuck's a Radio Picture?
It's a picture of a radio!
Then what the fuck's an RKO?
A Really Kinky Orgasm!
...to the fucking plot!?
She got fucked by a forty-foot ape!
...like a homesick abortion!
You'd cry too if you were a homesick abortion!
"Mommy mommy please let me back in it's cold out here!"
...like a chicken!
Kick...
...that...
...dick!
OW!
This movie is so hot, even the floor gets wood!
But like all good things, it too must pass!
How big is your dick?
Can I play with your dick?
Come on, please!?
Shit, mom's home! Clear the smoke! Clear the smoke!
Goddamnit Michaelangelo! I said the CEILING!
That's the last time I hire a Ninja Turtle.
Watch for falling cameramen!
What's the difference between Frank and the Titanic?
We know how many people went down on the Titanic!
Why did the Titanic sink?
Because Frank sucked out all the seamen!
I didn't know the Titanic was a FAIRY boat!
Last one in the pool has to be in the crappy sequel!
Sorry Little Nell.
Don't drink it...
...Frank peed in it!
Use the Force, Luke!
-choo!
...the fuck...
...and into that pool!
...like a condom!
...like a GOOD condom!
...and my condom...
...like a BAD condom!
Why do we see this movie!?
What do you say when you masturbate!?
Whose pool is this again?
And say it thirteen times so I remember next time!
John!
Paul!
George!
Ringo!
Step, step, step, kick!
...and this is where the choreographer died!
...this movie's over!
Your fashion is a failure!
Your hairstyle's too extreme!
I just fucked my sister!
You can smell my finger!
We return to Alabama!
So bitch, go start the truck!
Lesbian sex in the parking lot!
Just kidding!
It better be good, you died last time!
Ok, you get the big purple onion...
...you go flip some switches...
...and I'll stand here and shit my britches!
I graduated from ITT Tech!
For one night and one night only...
It's Tim Curry as Dr. Frank-N-Furter as Liza Minelli with Alfalfa's shadow...
...performing: I'm Going Home!
...who fucking ca-a-ares...
...stiiill dooon't ca-a-are...
...and again and again and again...
...hard.
...I'm gay-ay-aaay-ay-ay-ay...
DOS?
OS/2?
Windows 95!
...that I look like Greg Brady on acid, and...
...I'm fucking stoned...
Instant audience!
Just add acid!
Hey Frank, where've you fucked?
Really? How's it been?
What does it feel like when Brad comes all over the ceiling fan?
How much for a blowjob?
I'll take two!
...this movie...
...too manyyyyyyy damn times!
All rise for the Queen!
Johnny Carson!
Ed McMahon!
Skitch Henderson!
And the NBC Peacock!
You made the drugs wear off!
...I was speaking French!
No, it's the three-headed woman's vibrator!
So you mean, it doesn't matter?
Male fraud! And gaywalking.
Fuck society!
Hey fuck you, I like society!
Now everything in this movie has come!
Goodbye, All-of-this!
Hello!
Hi, Oblivion!
How's the wife and kids?
Your wife and my kids!
A twitch of the eye...
A twitch of the lip...
First one to scream gets shot in the tit!
Oh my god! You killed Frankie! YOU BASTARDS!
This movie was made in New York City.
NEW YORK CITY!? Get a rope!
No Rocky don't, there's bad music under there!
MOMMY!!
Er... daddy!?
I'M SO CONFUSED!
Chest of steel!
Back of steel!
Shoulder of steel!
Deck of wood!
Armpit of steel!
Tower of cardboard!
Get paranoid, Riff!
Go for the Oscar!
I'd like to thank the Academy...
My name is Inigo Montoya...
...you killed my father...
...prepare to die!
My name is Darth Vader...
...I AM your father...
...prepare to die!
My name is Oedipus...
...I killed my father...
...fucked my mother, and...
...and I need a hug! :_(
...and I fuckin' made it!
Kiss-ass!
Suck my cock.
...sex life.
Same thing.
No, Cornelius! How many nephews did you lose in this movie!?
Yeah he did taste pretty good!
...while you are still portable.
What are you gonna do, break his legs!?
You mean it was a HOUSE the entire time?
COULD WE USE THE FUCKING PHONE!?
Roll out the cripple, roll out the cripple...
...and we'll have a wheelchair of fun!
Hey it's Christopher Reeves swimming!
Kick, Chris, kick!
...hideous Q-tip!
...barren, desolate...
...where women do their hair at Dairy Queen...
...and men wear bananas on their heads!
What does a kleptomanic want?
...and that, and that, and that...
ACID FLASHBACK!
ACID FLASHBACK WITH SOUND!
ACID FLASHback out of sync with sound...!?
...of little boys.
...little boys.
...about little boys.
...to get little boys.
...about little boys...
...is down inside they're...
...blee-eediiing...
Stumble, stumble, fall!
Stumble, stumble, don't fall!
Stumble, stumble... sit, Ubu, sit!
...is that this is the worst production of CATS ever!
My glasses, my glasses, I can't find my glasses!
I found Janet's dildo, but I can't find my glasses!
My dildo, my dildo, I can't find my dildo!
I found Brad's glasses, but I can't find my dildo!
Mein veelchair, mein veelchair, I can't find mein veelchair!
I found zees nifty bicycle, but I can't find mein veelchair!
As the world turns...
Oh my god! You killed Kenya! YOU BASTARD!
Get your finger out of Columbia!
Why's your phone bill so high?
Where is this movie's plot!?
What's your favorite scifi show, Star Trek or...?
This movie lacks both a plot and...
One more time for the Virgins...
Hi, I'm Tom Bodett with Motel 6...
...and we'll leave the light on for ya!